Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

Chairs and Rugs:

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good.

Doors:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

Guest:

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on the human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish n Goop on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric color that contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furry cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use quick nip on the ankle. When walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me to walk on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guest to the bathroom: it isn't necessary to do anything --- just sit there and stare.

Work:

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are rules for hampering:

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and therby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled.

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eye and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If the person is working at the computer, walk serendipitously across the keyboard, pausing long enough to add several lines of ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

3. For knitting projects, curl up quietly on the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember that the aim is to hamper work.

Play:

It is important. Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch-the-mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.

Begin people-training early:

You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

Unknown feline author.