Painting by Lena Kotliarker |
Psychiatrist
and writer at Zen Psychiatry
5 Phrases to Help You Cultivate Calm in a Chaotic World
Posted:
12/04/2013 3:01 pm
As the old Zen
parable does, many years ago there was a farmer who had a horse that was very
valuable to him. One day, the horse ran away, and the townspeople commented,
"Oh, no! How terrible for you!" The farmer responded, "Maybe
yes, maybe no."
The following
day, his horse returned with six stallions alongside it. The townspeople said,
"How wonderful! You have six new horses!" The farmer responded,
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
A few days
later, the farmer's son was trying to break in one of the stallions when he was
bucked off, breaking his leg. The townspeople said, "Oh, how awful! Your
poor son!" The farmer said, "Maybe yes, maybe no."A week later, the army came through town, drafting all the young men to fight in war. Except -- the farmer's son was injured, and so couldn't go. The townspeople cried out, "You're so lucky! Your son is saved!" The farmer responded, "Maybe yes, maybe no."
We can all see the lesson in this story: that it would have been a mistake for the farmer to overreact to his circumstances -- either good or bad -- because in the end he did not know how things would turn out. The problem is, though, that most of us are more like the townspeople than the farmer.
One patient I worked with, a young woman in her 30s, always seemed anxious and unsettled. When her life was going well (with work, her relationships, her financial life, etc.) she was happy. When bad things happened, though, she blamed herself and obsessed over how she could make things better, refusing to relax until she felt she had solved all of her problems. And even in those moments when things were going well, she was stressed about making sure everything stayed that way.
If you've ever
felt similarly, you can rest assured that you have a lot of company. So many of
us live in a constant state of reactivity and uneasiness, trying to control
things that are far outside our control. We stress about our to-do lists, even
though no matter how many items we cross off, more will take their place. We
feel like we can't relax and be happy until we have achieved certain goals, but
when we get what we want, we just want something else.
But -- what if
there could be an alternative? What if we didn't have to wait until the chaos
settled to find peace and calm? What if we could find peace and calm right now,
even amidst all the chaos of life?
Eastern
philosophy offers such an alternative in the practice of equanimity, which can
allow you to face difficulties in life with evenness and composure.
Traditionally, one practices equanimity by repeating
certain phrases during meditation practice. It can be helpful to have a regular
meditation practice (even if for only five minutes a day) to
develop
equanimity, but it is not necessary. Daily life can be an opportunity to
practice. Try repeating these phrases to yourself during difficulties that come
up in everyday life:
1. When you
feel a general sense of uneasiness about yourself and your life, repeat:
May I accept
things just as they are.
May I accept myself just as I am.
May I accept myself just as I am.
So many people feel that they need to make certain changes before they can feel "good enough," but we are all good enough just as we are, at this moment.
Accepting
yourself and your life circumstances doesn't mean you won't work to change or
improve things, but it means you don't need to wait to start treating yourself
kindly.
2. When
someone you care about is suffering and there's nothing you can do to change
their circumstances, repeat:
I care.
I care about your pain.
Through this caring may your pain be eased.
I care about your pain.
Through this caring may your pain be eased.
A while back,
when I was in the middle of a silent meditation retreat, I saw an older woman
fall and break both of her ankles. I immediately broke silence and rushed over
to help her (a trait likely ingrained as a doctor). She was in tremendous pain,
and became crushed as she realized she wouldn't be able to continue the
retreat.
At first I felt
terrible, and guilty that I couldn't do more to help her, but then I realized I
could feel compassion for her without believing it was my responsibility to
control the outcome of her injury.
The above
phrase helps you cultivate compassion for other's suffering, without feeling
like it's your responsibility to solve the world's problems.
3. When
someone you care about is engaging in self-destructive behaviors and you can't
stop it, repeat:
I wish
nothing but the best for you, but
Your happiness depends on your actions, and not my wishes for you.
Your happiness depends on your actions, and not my wishes for you.
We all have had
friends, parents or children we have watched go down a bad path. Maybe they've
abused drugs or alcohol, or alienated people around them through erratic
behavior, or acted irresponsibly or hurtfully.
Unfortunately,
we do not have the power to control the path of another person, no matter how
much we care about them. This phrase helps you cultivate healthy detachment in
your relationships, where you can care for another person without getting
caught up in trying to prevent them from making mistakes.
4. When bad
things happen, repeat:
Whether I
understand it or not, things are unfolding according to a natural order.
Remember the
above story of the farmer? When his circumstances changed (for better or
worse), he did not buy into the townspeople's beliefs that his fortune was so
great or so terrible. He understood that the story hadn't yet unfolded.
Have you wasted mental energy on a worry that never came to fruition? I sure. know I have. But I try to practice being like the farmer instead of the townspeople. This phrase helps you remember that your story is always still unfolding.
Elana Miller , MD writes at Zen Psychiatry. She is a psychiatrist who
is passionate about integrating Western medicine with Eastern philosophy to
help people live fuller and happier lives. To get new articles on improving
your health and happiness, join her weekly newsletter.
Have you wasted mental energy on a worry that never came to fruition? I sure. know I have. But I try to practice being like the farmer instead of the townspeople. This phrase helps you remember that your story is always still unfolding.
5. When you
have a few moments to meditate, take a comfortable seat, close your eyes, and
repeat:
Breathing
in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I calm my mind.
May I be balanced.
May I be at peace.
Breathing out, I calm my mind.
May I be balanced.
May I be at peace.
Equanimity is
being able to hold all elements of your experience with wholeness, coherence,
and harmony. It is a practice of finding freedom, no matter what life brings
you.
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