Our Kids and Grandkids Struggle with Entitlement

  

5 Signs Kids are Struggling with Entitlement

9:35 pm Bykristen

 

I finally wrapped a couple of gifts and put them under the tree. I don’t know about your house, but the minute I do this every year, my kids get really interested in what’s happening under the tree. Curiosity kills my kids. And the cat.
“Mom, when are you taking us shopping to buy gifts for you and Dad?” one of my kids asked.
“Do you have money to buy gifts?” I asked.
Eery silence.

“Well, I was thinking you could give us money. Um, to buy your gifts with,” came the answer.
Every month we give our kids money and it’s up to them to buy things they want (we provide things they need and also many wants). When I reminded my daughter of this, she said, “Oh, I wanted to buy a cute Christmas shirt with my money.”
Ah, choices.

When I polled my other kids, they too, were short on money and big on expectations. Now, I’m not a Scrooge and I don’t want to rob my kids of the opportunity to give gifts to others. But I also refuse to rob them of the privilege of hard work. Because that’s when the joy of giving is revealed.
So, I created a Jobs to Earn Money For Christmas Gift List and stuck it on our family memo board. I mentioned it once and waited to see who really wanted to give gifts this season.

In our culture, it’s hard not to let entitlement creep into our homes and lives. It’s especially challenging not to fuel the expectations of our kids by our own parenting choices to make life easy for them and give them everything they want. We struggle with the “you owe me” mantra in our home. I’m writing about this because it’s an issue we really battle. But the first step is admitting it.
According to this must-watch Glen Beck segment, there are four cultural trends that contribute to the entitlement movement:

Self Esteem Movement- Raising kids with the “you are special” mantra isn’t healthy for kids. They don’t need to hear they are the best at everything and everything they do is the best (instead of look at me, it should be I’m a person of value that God created. Self esteem isn’t bad, but narcissism is).
Celebrity Culture-Reality TV shows highly dysfunctional people, and celebrates bad behavior. Rich  celebrities are portrayed as ignorant and they are worshipped in our culture.
Emerging Media- The growth of social media has altered reality, enhanced self-promotion, offers a “fake” sense of who we really are, as opposed to who we present online. Technology is not bad. It’s like fire-it serves a good purpose, but it can get completely out of control and dangerous.
Credit Bubble-This culture feeds on comparison. Not only in comparing ourselves to what others have, but also in getting it for ourselves even when we can’t afford it.
In our own homes, these trends can manifest in our children. This is what it might look like:

Five Signs of Entitlement in our kids: 
1. I want it now. Kids are impatient and who can blame them? We live in a drive-thru culture and instant gratification is well, instant. And often we find ourselves living in fear of saying no because our children are used to getting what they want.
2. I don’t want to work for it. Why work when it can be given to you? It’s fosters a cycle of laziness and poor work ethic when we constantly give to our children without requiring any work. We need to create entry points starting at a young age for our children to contribute to household chores and jobs.
3. I don’t have to clean up my mess. We battle this one often. I’m learning to choose my wars. But I believe this is also responsible living. If you make a mess, you clean it up.
4. I want it because everyone else has it. My 7 year old has asked for an Elf on the Shelf every day this week. Why? Because she feels left out that many of her friends have one. And that’s awesome for them, but I don’t want that to be the focus of our season and I honestly don’t have time or energy to create things for the stuffed animal to do. The bottom line for us: it’s okay for you not to have what everyone else has.  I asked my daughter, if everyone had a swimming pool, would you want one too? She said yes. Clearly, we are working on this one.
5. I expect you to fix all my problems. I love to help my kids out. But there’s a fine line between helping and aiding bad behavior. If my child forgets their lunch everyday and I bring it everyday, there’s really not a reason for them to ever be responsible. My kids expected us to give them money for a gift for us. Instead, I found it the perfect chance to teach them about hard work and let them solve their own dilemma.
This week, my son spent about 4 hours raking leaves in our big backyard. He had blisters on his hands and he worked very hard.

My oldest babysat for five hours and my youngest earned money by cleaning and organizing under all the sinks in the house. When I took them to Target to Christmas shop, they were so proud to use their money. My teen spent more than she planned, “Mom, I love the way it feels to buy for others” she said as she counted out her hard-earned money.
My job here is done.
Not really, but it did make me smile to hear those words. The reality is, entitlement will rear it’s ugly head more than once this week and probably next. It’s a constant battle to remind our children and ourselves that we aren’t owed anything, that life is a gift and it needs to be appreciated.
So, what do we do about it? We can counteract these negative expectations by expecting more from our kids and teaching them these principals from 

Empowering Parents:

• Money doesn’t come easily.
• People work hard to earn money; it’s part of life.
• If you want something, you need to work to earn it.
• You are not entitled to things you haven’t earned.
• Compassion for others (show them third world problems, so they have perspective on their first world ones)
• Responsibility for Actions: there are consequences and rewards for our behavior and choices

Parenting is hard. Doing it in our culture is even harder. But it is possible to raise grateful, hard-working kids who put others first.  That’s my goal anyway.

http://wearethatfamily.com/2013/12/5-signs-kids-are-struggling-with-entitlement/

In the Pursuit of Happiness

Reflected Scroll by Balogh

"Happiness is not achieved

 

by the conscious pursuit of happiness;

 

it is generally the by-product of other activities."

 

~Aldous Huxley

 

 

Aldous Leonard Huxley (26 July 1894 - 22 November 1963) was an English writer, humanist, pacifist, and satirist.

Best known for his novels including Brave New World and a wide-ranging output of essays.  Huxley also edited the magazine Oxford Poetry, and published short stories, poetry, travel writing, film stories and scripts.  He spent the later part of his life in the United States, living in Los Angeles from 1937 until his death.

 

 

Source: 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 



Habits to Help You Become Happier

 

Spitze in Bogen 1927 by Wassily Kandinsky
 

10 Simple Habits to Help You Become Happier

 

DECEMBER 26 BY ALICIA LAWRENCE 
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/author/alicia-lawrence
 IN HEALTH, LIFESTYLE | 1K SHARES

According to the 2013 World Happiness Report, America is considered the 17th happiest country in the world. However, America is one of the few nations with freedom, equal rights and wealth. Why aren’t we happier?

Start your journey to a happier you by incorporating these 10 easy habits into your life.

1. Stop Shopping
Put down the plastic and step away from the cash register! According to this Science of Happiness infographic, consumerism is the biggest obstacle to happiness around the world.
Retail therapy is only a temporary fix to make you happy. You may experience the joy of instant gratification when purchasing something you want, but, as the saying goes, “you can’t buy happiness.” Often times, shopping will lead to buyer’s guilt or jealousy because you can’t afford a certain product.
More to read: Happiness Is Not The Absence Of Problems

2. Work Out Often
Make a mix playlist of your favorite songs and hit the gym. Burning off calories and strengthening your muscles only touches the surface of the benefits of working out. Underneath all of your physical components lie some awesome chemicals called endorphins. When you break a sweat, these endorphins are released, and they bring about a feel-good reaction that promotes happiness. That’s why healthy people are generally 20% happier than the average person.
Ultimately, staying active can naturally cause you to feel more excitement and enthusiasm for daily activities. Adding music and friends to share in the workout experience can also lighten your stress load and help you unwind.

 

 3.  Eat Bananas
It’s no doubt that this fruit is “top banana” when it comes to triggering happiness. Not only is this super food cost-effective and abundant year-round, it is also simple and portable for when you need it the most. What gives bananas their star-power is the amount of tryptophan and tyrosine they contain, which change into the hormone serotonin. Eating one banana can calm your body and mind while giving you the right amount of energy and brain power to face the day.

4. Attend Church
Denomination aside, attending church regularly can actually boost your mood.This simple hour can grant you time for reflection, causing you to put your worries and stresses on hold. Church can also be a place to release your stress and emotions. Additionally, church is a good place for socializing and talking with people of like minds. It doesn’t matter what walk of life you come from: a place of worship can put all in attendance on an equal playing field, joining together for a common purpose. This can put you in a better, more optimistic mood and put your issues into perspective.

5. Volunteer
It goes without saying that lending a helping hand is a reward in itself. Using your skills and expertise to assist the less fortunate can boost your happiness. After all, you’ve accomplished something for the greater good. Start small and maybe prepare a meal for your elderly neighbors or volunteer to cook and serve dinner at a local soup kitchen. Bringing some life and light back into someone’s life and seeing their happiness and gratitude is contagious.

6. Enjoy Friendship
Laughter is one of the best prescriptions for daily happiness. Find a group of friends and enjoy a distraction-free evening reminiscing and talking about your lives together. Avoid gossip and venting about problems that plague you. Chances are that you’ve fixated enough on these problems and it’s time to let things go. Keep in mind that often your friends know you well enough to give you sound advice. Take it and then let the conversation shift to something more lighthearted.

7. Plan Your Day
Having a set schedule can alleviate stress and tension throughout your day. Plan your meals a week in advance and cook ahead on the weekends. Each evening, set aside a few minutes to ready clothing and items that you need for the next day. Remember, it takes at least 30 days to make a habit, so try it for a month. Each day, schedule in some flexibility or “me” time to relax. Keeping your own needs in mind is a great way to stay organized and in control of your life so you can enjoy each moment.

8. Eat Healthy
Eating a well-balanced meal can keep your metabolism going strong all day long. This will give you enough energy to sustain your daily routines and feel great. Strive to eat as naturally as possible. Cutting corners by eating pre-packaged and processed foods can actually make you feel lethargic and cause problems such as gas and unpleasant digestive issues. Make sure to eat plenty of lean protein like chicken or fish paired with some green vegetables for brainpower and focus. Don’t forget that banana!

9. Turn Off the TV
The temptation to turn on the TV for “noise” or to relax can actually be harmful to your health and your happiness. Don’t turn on the TV  while you’re doing something pleasurable and relaxing, like cooking or spending time with your family. These activities deserve your focus and will reduce your stress levels, if you aren’t multitasking.  So much television programming is made up of negative reports about crime and accidents, violence, or chaos, even having it on in the background can actually boost your stress levels. Try turing on some classical or smooth jazz music to relax your body and mind. Turn off the TV and give yourself some reflective time to read a book or play a game with your family.

10. Meditate
Tap into your inner wisdom in the morning for an easier and happier start to your day. Through focusing on positive thoughts, you can train yourself to view your accomplishments, your body and your relationships in a positive light. This improves your confidence and self-worth. Breathe deeply.  Challenge yourself to try the Loving Kindness Meditation. Channeling all of your love and joy to others will bring happiness back to you, magnified.
You don’t need to change your entire life to find happiness. Start with these simple habits that can help refocus your mind on what is important and increase the joy you find in everyday living.

*Alicia Lawrence
Alicia is a content coordinator for WebpageFX and blogs in her free time at MarCom Land. She's a frequent contributor on Business2Community, Brazen Careerist, and Ask Miss A.

Transformation

 

"I take pleasure in my 'transformation.'

I look quiet and consistent,

but few know how many

women there are in me."  

                                                    ~ Anais Nin

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Anaïs Nin (Spanish: [anaˈis ˈnin]; born Angela Anaïs Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin y Culmell, February 21, 1903 – January 14, 1977) was an American author born to Spanish-Cuban parents in France, where she was also raised. She spent some time in Spain and Cuba but lived most of her life in the United States where she became an established author. She published journals (which span more than 60 years, beginning when she was 11 years old and ending shortly before her death), novels, critical studies, essays, short stories, and erotica. A great deal of her work, including Delta of Venus and Little Birds, was published posthumously.
 



Peanuts Holiday Countdown_Dec. 25

 

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Peanuts HolidayCountdown_Dec. 23

 

 

Peanuts Holiday Countdown_Dec. 22

 

 

Just Ask Charlie Brown

Melanie Harth, Ph.D., LMHC

Coaching Writers, Artists & Entrepreneurs, Mindful Awareness Meditation Teacher,Consultant, Professional Blogger, Writer

Posted: 12/21/2013 11:10 am

 

 

7 Sweet Holiday Mindfulness Tips From Charlie Brown and Crew

 

The holidays can be a rough time for a lot of people. Expectations of perfect family gatherings and luxurious gifts both given and received, always with fab food, can awaken those rowdy "I-want" monsters.
 
There's plenty of hope, though. Mindful awareness can help lighten the emotional load of the holidays. Just ask Charlie Brown! The classic 1965 TV special, A Charlie Brown Christmas, has some great clues for enjoying a sweet season.

1. Beating yourself up?
"Rats! Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?" Charlie Brown wails.
Some of my clients use the holiday season to beat themselves up. "I can't afford it. S/he's so mean. They don't like me. I can't wait till it's over!"
It's so terribly easy to judge yourself as not good enough. It can ruin your holidays. Instead, can you pause, pay attention to what you're saying about your experiences? What if you take one minute to breathe? Just find your breath. Then ask yourself, "What's really true?"
If money is tight, let that be okay. Then, get creative with what you do have. If you don't want to load up the car and drive through (another) 100-year storm, you don't have to, you know. Surrender to what's true for you, no one else.

2. The pressure of pretense.
"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel," says Charlie Brown.
Do you believe you're supposed to feel a certain way during the holidays? Happy, wealthy, with unlimited time and energy? What a set up for self-sabotage that is!
You get to feel exactly what you're feeling, nothing else. First, notice what's true for you. How are you feeling? Then, hear the story you're telling yourself about it. Are you adding to your own misery? As you stop striving to be anything other than who you are, the pressure of pretense lightens up for everyone.

3. Big trouble.
Lucy adds, "I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that... happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys, or a bicycle or clothes or something like that!"
Expectations. From not being able to see the gifts already all around you, to continually reaching for unattainable fantasies, expectations can be big trouble.
For many of my clients, just knowing what they want is at least half the battle. Lots of times, they have no idea. I mean, none. Sometimes, they only know what they're supposed to want. Being mindful of what you truly desire -- such as peace, or happiness rather than more stuff or the perfect meal -- can go a long way toward helping you enjoy the season.

4. It's easy!
"I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want," Sally Brown informs big brother Charlie.
We can get awfully stuck in our ideas about, well, about everything. Attachments to things -- ideas, ways of behaving and thinking, associating actions with some sort of cosmic good-behavior checklist -- can make for a disappointing holiday season.
What if, instead, you were able to be present without expecting anything in return? It's easy! Just notice what you're noticing about yourself. Try a one-minute check-in, using your breath as the pathway. Your breath can guide you into a more peaceful presence.

5. The first one ever.
"Dear Santa Claus: Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share," Sally Brown states.
Everyone has ideas about what should be coming to them. But life just doesn't work that way. If you mindlessly accept the ego's ideas of fairness, you miss out on the richness of beginner's mind: appreciating the beauty of direct sensory experience. Smell the spices, taste each of the flavors, feel the creaminess of your next eggnog, as though it's the first one you've ever tasted.

6. "I can't stand it!"
"Oh, no! My own dog... gone commercial! I can't stand it," wails Charlie Brown.
It's good to develop a practice of letting others have their own experiences. Charlie got upset, but Snoopy was actually pretty darned happy decorating his doghouse.
Practicing mindful awareness helps develop the personal strength and self-confidence to let go of the suffocating control we sometimes try to foist onto the world. Notice what you're noticing. Does it vibe with you? No? Move on. Yes. Then come closer.
To the extent you can drop into your own feelings and let go of judging others, you increase your chances for a lovely holiday season. Which improves everyone else's chances, as well.

7. Precious gifts.
"You need involvement. You need to get involved in some real Christmas projects," Lucy advises.
Mindful awareness can help you plug into meaningful holiday projects. Maybe there's one person who would really appreciate an hour of your time. Or an animal shelter that needs extra help.
Pause. Breathe into the question of where you're needed. Get involved. Remember what a precious gift is an hour of your time!

Sweetness, indeed.
Make a conscious choice about your gifts. Mindfully choose where, how, and with whom to share your holidays.
Because really, mindfulness is a way of knowing yourself. "Knowing other people is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom," it says in Lao Tzu: Tao Te Ching, A Book About the Way and the Power of the Way, by Ursula K. Le Guin.

Wisdom. Now there's a very sweet gift.

 

Follow Melanie Harth, Ph.D., LMHC on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@DrHarth

Peanuts Holiday Countdown_Dec. 21

 

From Albert Einstein: Life Lessons

Try to Remember, by H. Gordon Wang

11 Life Lessons from Albert Einstein
DECEMBER 19 BY BOBBI KLEIN IN PRODUCTIVITY

Albert Einstein offered us more than just the amazing theory of relativity and E=mc2. Through his persistence in his discoveries in science, Einstein shined a light on how each of us can do the impossible by hard work, experiencing failure, and valuing people. Even if you are not a scientist, you can apply these life lessons to your life today.

Simplicity

“If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.” – Albert Einstein
The more complicated you have to make something seem, the more you do not understand the inner workings of it. Think about the best teachers that you have had in your life. Did they make even the most complicated topics full of vocabulary that you did not understand or did they make it easier to understand by simplifying?

Creativity

“Creativity is contagious, pass it on.” – Albert Einstein
Inspire others to do what they love. Use your creativity to create new works, and you never know what others will create. It’s time to let your mind create projects and ideas that will have a domino effect throughout the world.

Hard Work and Failure

“The only sure way to avoid making mistakes is to have no new ideas.” – Albert Einstein
“You never fail until you stop trying.” -Albert Einstein

Einstein spent most of his life working on physics theories- some never worked out and others we know today. You never know which one will work out, but persistence is key. You have to keep working hard and keep trying to solve your problem. Failure doesn’t exist until you stop trying.

Live in the Present

“I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.” -Albert Einstein
You are only guaranteed the moment that you have right now, at this moment. You can try to get yourself worried about the future and make plans that may not work out according to plan. What matters most is living now, today. Do your best right now and do not worry about tomorrow.

Be Unconventional

“I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking.” – Albert Einstein

Everything great took a process of going outside of the box and doing something unconventional. If you continue to do the norm, then you are going to just produce normal, conventional results. Think differently, and you may find your answer.

Imagination

“Imagination is the highest form of research.” – Albert Einstein
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” – Albert Einstein

Imagination is key. When you imagine something differently, you begin to share with others. People begin to see the world that you imagine. Together you can create and help each other. Take time today to daydream, imagine, and share your ideas with others.

Work Towards the Impossible

“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.” – Albert Einstein
If it seems ridiculous to others and you are willing to take the risk, then you are able to achieve the impossible. When you go beyond what others think is reasonable, an amazing thing starts to happen.
You complete what was once an obstacle.

Value People

“We know from daily life that we exist for other people first of all, for whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends.” – Albert Einstein
“Life isn’t worth living, unless it is lived for someone else.” – Albert Einstein
If you put people first, they will value you and look to you as a person who genuinely cares about others. Spend at least a few minutes out of your busy day being fully engaged with people without any distractions. Show them that you value them. Thank them and send compliments their way. It will not only make their day better, but they will appreciate it and remember what you have done for them.

Sharing

“Student is not a container you have to fill but a torch you have to light up.” – Albert Einstein
Share your ideas with others. You may light a spark that ignites someone to do what they have always wanted. If you just hold all of your ideas and knowledge to yourself, you are not helping others at all. What if you held the key that would solve someone’s problems, wouldn’t you want to share it?

Be Open to Learning

“Learning is experience. Everything else is just information.” -Albert Einstein
It’s the journey as you learn and not just soaking up all of the information. It’s fully diving in and learning that some things work and others do not. Learning is not a one-size-fits-all path, but your own customized journey.

Do What is Right

“Always do what’s right; this will gratify some and astonish the rest” – Albert Einstein
When you come to the fork in the road or if your consciousness is offering you a decision, always do what is right. You may feel that the other option will be easier or offer you more money, but when you know that the other option will allow you more opportunity in the future or is the right thing to do, then you have to do it. It’s not going out and choosing the easiest decision, but taking the time to follow your gut and do the right thing will keep you standing out from the crowd.
Are you in the mood for some motivational quotes from Albert Einstein today?

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/19-motivational-quotes-from-albert-einstein.html

11 Life Lessons from Albert Einstein

Peanuts Holiday Countdown_Dec. 20

 

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Beautiful Article by Elana Miller, MD

Our World Is Ruled By Love

By Elana Miller, MD - Read this article on  Zen Psychiatry

Two and a half years ago, I was sitting in the small waiting area outside the trauma bay of the Los Angeles County ER. My boyfriend had just been in a motorcycle accident, and I was there by myself, staring in a half-daze off into space, barely holding it together as I agonized over what was happening as doctors and nurses rushed around his hospital bed.
An older man saw me there and sat down next to me. He said something along the lines of, “Hey… you doing okay?” He chatted with me for a few minutes. It turns out his son had just been in a motorcycle accident, too, and had been airlifted to the emergency room. He asked me about my boyfriend and told me a bit about his son.
To be honest, my mind was a million miles away during this conversation, and I don’t even really remember the details of what was said. It felt like any word that came out of my mouth would devolve into tears, so I didn’t say too much. When he looked at me, concerned, and asked if I would like to go get dinner with him and his other son (“My treat,” he insisted), I brushed the invitation away. “I don’t think I should leave,” I said. “You know, in case the doctors have some news.”
I’ve thought about that moment about a million times. I was too preoccupied to show any appreciation at the time, but that man—a total stranger whose son was probably in worse condition than my boyfriend—cared about me and my wellbeing. He saw I was distraught and went to comfort me. It was dinnertime so he offered me food and company.
 Our world is ruled by love.
Later in the evening my boyfriend needed a CT and so was wheeled off to the scanner. It was hospital policy that I couldn’t go with him, so I asked the nurse about a million questions. “Where are you going? How long will it take? When will you be back? How will I know if something’s happened?”
Off he went and I found some windowsill in the corner of the hospital, put my head in my hands, and started sobbing. I was there maybe 45 minutes when the same nurse came up to me. I’m not even sure how she found me, and imagine she must have been searching around for a while.
She said there was a delay in my boyfriend getting his CT scan, and offered that I could come sit with him in the radiology waiting area (“It’s against the rules, but don’t worry about that”). She said she had been thinking about me—”I just figured you’d be down here worrying and upset, and your boyfriend wants you up there, too, so I came down to get you.” She said it casually, but the action was driven by compassion.
Our world is ruled by love.
Later in the night, at about 1am, my boyfriend was in surgery, and I was in the small waiting room on one of the upper floors of the hospital, outside the operating rooms. It was a waiting room I had walked by mindlessly 1000 times as a medical student (LA County is where I did my medical training), and now I was the one inside the room instead of walking by.
The only other person there was a young Mexican man whose uncle was having lung surgery for cancer. I picked up an old Oprah magazine sitting on one of the side tables, but my eyes couldn’t focus on it, so I just held it on my lap. The young man started chatting with me and asked me who I was waiting for.
He seemed to sense that even though I was trying to keep it together, I desperately needed reassurance. He started regaling me with stories of the amazing care his family members and friends had gotten at LA County (which I found especially endearing because I used to work there).
“These doctors are really good,” he insisted. “Your boyfriend is going to be fine.” For some reason, I asked him if he thought my boyfriend would be able to be discharged the next day. “Yeah, I’m sure of it!” he said. “They’re good here, he’ll be outta here in no time.”
Our world is ruled by love.
These are just a few stories from one night, and there are countless more acts of kindness I’ve experienced.
There was the time, in a brilliant move, I thought it would be a good idea to hold my oversized wallet in my tiny shorts pocket as I carried groceries from the market to my car (surprise surprise, the wallet fell out somewhere in the parking lot). I didn’t realize my mistake until an hour later, and anxiously rushed back to the market, expecting the wallet to be long gone. I went into the store and asked the first employee I came across if anyone had turned in a lost wallet. She went to a drawer and pulled my wallet out—”Is this it?”
Our world is ruled by love.
Even when there is hate, it’s not because there is a lack of love, but rather because there are obstacles to love being fully expressed. Sometimes we are afraid that our own needs won’t be met. Sometimes we forget that we are all interconnected, that my joy is your joy, and that my pain is your pain.
After all, when you see a beautiful sunset, it’s not just your joy, it’s ours. When I sit in traffic on the 405 (the infamous North-South freeway in Los Angeles), wanting to gouge my eyeballs out, all I have to do is look around at the other drivers to see it’s not just my pain, but our pain.
I’ve thought so many times about those strangers who reached out to me that day in the hospital, and how their kindness still touches me years later, even though I couldn’t express it at the time. So share love. Be kind. Receive kindness. We’re all in this together.
Our world is ruled by love.
***
Photo by epsos.de
 

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Happiness According to Aldous Huxley

 

“Happiness is not achieved
by the conscious pursuit of happiness;
it is generally the by-product of other activities.”

~ Aldous Huxley

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Aldous Leonard Huxley (26 July 1894 – 22 November 1963) was an English writer, humanist, pacifist, and satirist. Best known for his novels including Brave New World and a wide-ranging output of essays. Huxley also edited the magazine Oxford Poetry, and published short stories, poetry, travel writing, film stories and scripts…
 

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Peanuts Holiday Countdown_Dec.11

 

 

Emotional Intelligence

How Emotionally Intelligent Are You?

Here's How To Tell

http://www.huffingtonpost.com

The Huffington Post | By Carolyn Gregoire http://twitter.com/carolyn_greg

Posted: 12/05/2013 8:39 am EST | Updated: 12/05/2013 2:22 pm EST

 

What makes some people more successful in work and life than others? IQ and work ethic are important, but they don't tell the whole story. Our emotional intelligence -- the way we manage emotions, both our own and those of others -- can play a critical role in determining our happiness and success. 

Plato said that all learning has some emotional basis, and he may be right. The way we interact with and regulate our emotions has repercussions in nearly every aspect of our lives. To put it in colloquial terms, emotional intelligence (EQ) is like "street smarts," as opposed to "book smarts," and it's what accounts for a great deal of one's ability to navigate life effectively.

"What having emotional intelligence looks like is that you're confident, good at working towards your goals, adaptable and flexible. You recover quickly from stress and you're resilient," Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence, tells The Huffington Post. "Life goes much more smoothly if you have good emotional intelligence."

The five components of emotional intelligence, as defined by Goleman, are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, social skills and empathy. We can be strong in some of these areas and deficient in others, but we all have the power to improve any of them.

Not sure how emotionally intelligent you are? Here are 14 signs you have a high EQ.

 

1. You're curious about people you don't know.

Do you love meeting new people, and naturally tend to ask lots of questions after you've been introduced to someone? If so, you have a certain degree of empathy, one of the main components of emotional intelligence. Highly Empathetic People (HEPs) -- those who are extremely attuned to the needs and feelings of others, and act in a way that is sensitive to those needs -- have one important thing in common: They're very curious about strangers and genuinely interested in learning more about others.

Being curious about others is also a way to cultivate empathy. "Curiosity expands our empathy when we talk to people outside our usual social circle, encountering lives and worldviews very different from our own," Roman Krznaric, author of the forthcoming Empathy: A Handbook For Revolution, wrote in a Greater Good blog post.

2. You're a great leader.

Exceptional leaders often have one thing in common, according to Goleman. In addition to the traditional requirements for success -- talent, a strong work ethic and ambition, for instance -- they possess a high degree of emotional intelligence. In his research comparing those who excelled in senior leadership roles with those who were merely average, he found that close to 90 percent of the difference in their profiles was due to emotional intelligence, rather than cognitive ability.

"The higher the rank of a person considered to be a star performer, the more emotional intelligence capabilities showed up as the reason for his or her effectiveness," Goleman wrote in Harvard Business Review.

3. You know your strengths and weaknesses.

A big part of having self-awareness is being honest with yourself about who you are -- knowing where you excel, and where you struggle, and accepting these things about yourself. An emotionally intelligent person learns to identify their areas of strength and weakness, and analyze how to work most effectively within this framework. This awareness breeds the strong self-confidence that's a main factor of emotional intelligence, according to Goleman.

"If you know what you're truly effective at, then you can operate from that with confidence," he says.

4. You know how to pay attention.

Do you get distracted by every tweet, text and passing thought? If so, it could be keeping you from functioning on your most emotionally intelligent level. But the ability to withstand distractions and focus on the task at hand is a great secret to emotional intelligence, Goleman says. Without being present with ourselves and others, it's difficult to develop self-awareness and strong relationships.

"Your ability to concentrate on the work you're doing or your schoolwork, and to put off looking at that text or playing that video game until after you're done ... how good you are at that in childhood turns out to be a stronger predictor of your financial success in adulthood than either your IQ or the wealth of the family you grew up in," Goleman says. "And we can teach kids how to do that."

5. When you're upset, you know exactly why.

We all experience a number of emotional fluctuations throughout the day, and often we don't even understand what's causing a wave of anger or sadness. But an important aspect of self-awareness is the ability to recognize where your emotions are coming from and to know why you feel upset.

Self-awareness is also about recognizing emotions when they arise, rather than misidentifying or ignoring them. Emotionally intelligent people take a step back from their emotions, look at what they're feeling, and examine the effect that the emotion has on them.

6. You can get along with most people.

"Having fulfilling, effective relationships -- that's a sign [of emotional intelligence]," says Goleman.

7. You care deeply about being a good, moral person.

One aspect of emotional intelligence is our "moral identity," which has to do with the extent to which we want to see ourselves as ethical, caring people. If you're someone who cares about building up this side of yourself (regardless of how you've acted in past moral situations), you might have a high EQ.

8. You take time to slow down and help others.

If you make a habit of slowing down to pay attention to others, whether by going slightly out your way to say hello to someone or helping an older woman onto the subway, you're exhibiting emotional intelligence. Many of us, a good portion of the time, are completely focused on ourselves. And it's often because we're so busy running around in a stressed-out state trying to get things done that we simply don't take the time to notice (much less help) others.

"[There's a] spectrum that goes from complete self-absorption to noticing to empathy and to compassion," Goleman said in a TED talk on compassion. "The simple fact is that if we are focused on ourselves, if we're preoccupied -- which we so often are throughout the day -- we don't really fully notice the other."

Being more mindful, in contrast to being absorbed in your own little world, plants the seeds of compassion -- a crucial component of EQ.

9. You're good at reading people's facial expressions.

Being able to sense how others are feeling is an important part of having a good EQ. Take this quiz from UC Berkeley to find out just how skilled you are at reading others' emotions.

10. After you fall, you get right back up.

How you deal with mistakes and setbacks says a lot about who you are. High EQ individuals know that if there's one thing we all must do in life, it's to keep on going. When an emotionally intelligent person experiences a failure or setback, he or she is able to bounce back quickly. This is in part because of the ability to mindfully experience negative emotions without letting them get out of control, which provides a higher degree of resilience.

“The resilient person isn’t papering over the negative emotions, but instead letting them sit side by side with other feelings," Positivity author Barbara Fredrickson told Experience Life. "So at the same time they’re feeling ‘I’m sad about that,’ they’re also prone to thinking, ‘but I’m grateful about this.’”

11. You're a good judge of character.

You've always been able to get a sense for who someone is pretty much right off the bat -- and your intuitions are rarely wrong.

12. You trust your gut.

An emotionally intelligent person is someone who feels comfortable following their intuition, says Goleman. If you're able to trust in yourself and your emotions, there's no reason not to listen to that quiet voice inside (or that feeling in your stomach) telling you which way to go.

13. You've always been self-motivated.

Were you always ambitious and hard-working as a kid, even when you weren't rewarded for it? If you're a motivated self-starter -- and you can focus your attention and energy towards the pursuit of your goals -- you likely have a high EQ.

14. You know when to say "no."

Self-regulation, one of the five components of emotional intelligence, means being able to discipline yourself and avoid unhealthy habits. Emotionally intelligent people are generally well equipped to tolerate stress (a bad-habit trigger for many of us) and to control their impulses, according to Goleman.

*Carolyn Gregoire is a features editor at the Huffington Post. She has spoken at TEDx and the Harvard Public Health Forum, and appeared on MSNBC and The TODAY Show.

 

 

Peanuts Holiday Countdown_Dec.10

 

You Can Cultivate Calm In A Chaotic World

 

Painting by Lena Kotliarker

 

Elana Miller, MD

Psychiatrist and writer at Zen Psychiatry

5 Phrases to Help You Cultivate Calm in a Chaotic World

Posted: 12/04/2013 3:01 pm

As the old Zen parable does, many years ago there was a farmer who had a horse that was very valuable to him. One day, the horse ran away, and the townspeople commented, "Oh, no! How terrible for you!" The farmer responded, "Maybe yes, maybe no."

 The following day, his horse returned with six stallions alongside it. The townspeople said, "How wonderful! You have six new horses!" The farmer responded, "Maybe yes, maybe no."
 

A few days later, the farmer's son was trying to break in one of the stallions when he was bucked off, breaking his leg. The townspeople said, "Oh, how awful! Your poor son!" The farmer said, "Maybe yes, maybe no."

A week later, the army came through town, drafting all the young men to fight in war. Except -- the farmer's son was injured, and so couldn't go. The townspeople cried out, "You're so lucky! Your son is saved!" The farmer responded, "Maybe yes, maybe no."

We can all see the lesson in this story: that it would have been a mistake for the farmer to overreact to his circumstances -- either good or bad -- because in the end he did not know how things would turn out. The problem is, though, that most of us are more like the townspeople than the farmer.

One patient I worked with, a young woman in her 30s, always seemed anxious and unsettled. When her life was going well (with work, her relationships, her financial life, etc.) she was happy. When bad things happened, though, she blamed herself and obsessed over how she could make things better, refusing to relax until she felt she had solved all of her problems. And even in those moments when things were going well, she was stressed about making sure everything stayed that way.

If you've ever felt similarly, you can rest assured that you have a lot of company. So many of us live in a constant state of reactivity and uneasiness, trying to control things that are far outside our control. We stress about our to-do lists, even though no matter how many items we cross off, more will take their place. We feel like we can't relax and be happy until we have achieved certain goals, but when we get what we want, we just want something else.
 

But -- what if there could be an alternative? What if we didn't have to wait until the chaos settled to find peace and calm? What if we could find peace and calm right now, even amidst all the chaos of life?
 

Eastern philosophy offers such an alternative in the practice of equanimity, which can allow you to face difficulties in life with evenness and composure.

Traditionally, one practices equanimity by repeating certain phrases during meditation practice. It can be helpful to have a regular meditation practice (even if for only five minutes a day) to

develop equanimity, but it is not necessary. Daily life can be an opportunity to practice. Try repeating these phrases to yourself during difficulties that come up in everyday life:

1. When you feel a general sense of uneasiness about yourself and your life, repeat:

May I accept things just as they are.
May I accept myself just as I am.

So many people feel that they need to make certain changes before they can feel "good enough," but we are all good enough just as we are, at this moment.

Accepting yourself and your life circumstances doesn't mean you won't work to change or improve things, but it means you don't need to wait to start treating yourself kindly.
 

2. When someone you care about is suffering and there's nothing you can do to change their circumstances, repeat:
 

I care.
I care about your pain.
Through this caring may your pain be eased.
 

A while back, when I was in the middle of a silent meditation retreat, I saw an older woman fall and break both of her ankles. I immediately broke silence and rushed over to help her (a trait likely ingrained as a doctor). She was in tremendous pain, and became crushed as she realized she wouldn't be able to continue the retreat.

At first I felt terrible, and guilty that I couldn't do more to help her, but then I realized I could feel compassion for her without believing it was my responsibility to control the outcome of her injury.

The above phrase helps you cultivate compassion for other's suffering, without feeling like it's your responsibility to solve the world's problems.
 

3. When someone you care about is engaging in self-destructive behaviors and you can't stop it, repeat:
 

I wish nothing but the best for you, but
Your happiness depends on your actions, and not my wishes for you.
 

We all have had friends, parents or children we have watched go down a bad path. Maybe they've abused drugs or alcohol, or alienated people around them through erratic behavior, or acted irresponsibly or hurtfully.
 

Unfortunately, we do not have the power to control the path of another person, no matter how much we care about them. This phrase helps you cultivate healthy detachment in your relationships, where you can care for another person without getting caught up in trying to prevent them from making mistakes.
 

4. When bad things happen, repeat:
 

Whether I understand it or not, things are unfolding according to a natural order.
 

Remember the above story of the farmer? When his circumstances changed (for better or worse), he did not buy into the townspeople's beliefs that his fortune was so great or so terrible. He understood that the story hadn't yet unfolded.

Have you wasted mental energy on a worry that never came to fruition? I sure. know I have. But I try to practice being like the farmer instead of the townspeople. This phrase helps you remember that your story is always still unfolding.

5. When you have a few moments to meditate, take a comfortable seat, close your eyes, and repeat:

 

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I calm my mind.
May I be balanced.
May I be at peace.

 

Equanimity is being able to hold all elements of your experience with wholeness, coherence, and harmony. It is a practice of finding freedom, no matter what life brings you.

Elana Miller, MD writes at Zen Psychiatry. She is a psychiatrist who is passionate about integrating Western medicine with Eastern philosophy to help people live fuller and happier lives. To get new articles on improving your health and happiness, join her weekly newsletter.

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