In Defining Happiness...

Painting by Vickie Wade

What defines our happiness?

Why Happiness Comes From Within
Written by Ross Garvey

It’s a common consideration. Many of us look outside ourselves to define our happiness, with things, distractions, events and experiences. And because of this many of us give our inner power away by placing it inside these externalities. Though, it’s not just a bad habit, it’s an understandable conditioning. Our consumer oriented society promotes and supports this way of life. Big companies want nothing more than for you to feel your happiness is dependent on what they provide. A recent soft drink slogan springs to mind which tells you to open your happiness. Governments want to support this lifestyle also, so they can sell patriotism and xenophobia. Perhaps even the executives of the company you work for want to sell you the idea that you are dependent on your job for happiness too. We listen to promises and hand over responsibility for our happiness to the world of things, others and circumstances.
Though ask yourself, what really makes you happy? For some let’s say your goal  at the moment is to buy your favorite flat screen TV. You attract to yourself the means to make this goal come to fruition all the while fantasizing about what it will mean for you to have it, to watch your shows in comfort, to play video games, to have friends over, to even watch movies with your kids. It represents the lifestyle you desire with which comes your happiness. But if you are sitting there one night watching your TV and there are no desirable shows to watch, and what you are watching seems to be broken up into an unreasonable amount of commercial breaks all of which just serve to irritate you. Then are you happy? Maybe it’s not the TV that brings happiness, maybe it’s the shows? The television network executives would love for you to believe that.
As another example of placing your power in externalities, think about the emotional rollercoaster of just being outside in the street for some people. Insecurities abound when our happiness and mood is dependent on the outside world of things, others and circumstances. Let’s say you are wearing your favorite clothes, your hair looks good, your skin looks good and you feel good because of how good you feel that you look. What if then you find that nobody is staring, nobody watches you pass, nobody double takes you? You will question yourself, your entire view of yourself will change, you may even start noticing flaws that stand out like a sore thumb when you look in the mirror. Your feelings of happiness are drained. For those who have these insecurities it could even ruin your enthusiasm and lust for life for the entire day.
Happiness does not come from these things. It’s illusory; there is nothing intrinsic to an object or effect that makes you feel good. It is because of who you believe you are inside and what you believe you want deep down and what you believe you should react to in order to be those things. All those ‘things’ which give you pleasure are just mirrors, reflecting back to you confirmations of who you think you might be. It’s no wonder that so many of us cannot answer the question with confidence when somebody asks ‘Who are you?’ because so many of us are trying to define ourselves, by the reflection we see in the things, others and circumstances we interact with.
The feelings of happiness you feel when you buy your favorite car, or receive compliments, or eat at an exclusive restaurant start within you; they are not aspects of the things, people and circumstances at all. It is all illusory. Even on the level of quantum physics we are finding that the physical material universe is subject to our consciousness, rather than us being subject to it in it’s organized chaos. Superposition tells us that all physicality exists in it’s every theoretical possible state simultaneously until it is measured or perceived and then it will show effects related to that measurement only. It’s easy to dismiss the deep wisdom in clichéd sayings like ’The world is what you make it’ but this is one of the few things that science and ancient wisdom are agreeing on; you become what you think about.
If you live in the hall of mirrors, only knowing what you are and that you are significant by analyzing the reflections all around you then you wont know where the real you is in all those different definitions of you. You will be lost in a labyrinth, looking for the laid out path, when the real way to freedom is to define it yourself.
Living a happy life starts inside you. If you know who you are, and need not the definitions of others to know yourself. When your drive comes from inside you, will be bold, and have no need for circumstances to be right, for people to support you, for things to make it easier. The eagle stares the cloudless sun in the face.

Ross writes on metaphysics, new science, self growth and primarily the law of attraction.

Nature

National Geographic

THE HUMAN SPIRIT NEEDS PLACES WHERE NATURE

 HAS NOT BEEN REARRANGED BY THE HAND OF MAN.

The Super Trees

They can grow to be the tallest trees on Earth.

They can produce lumber, support jobs, safeguard

clear waters, and provide refuge for countless forest

species...if we let them. 

A Traumatic and Difficult Existence

"If homeless cats could talk, they would probably

say, give me shelter, food, companionship, and love,

and I'll be yours forever." 

~ Susan Easterly

Life is...

Life is 10% what happens to you and

 90% what you do with what happens to you.

~ Anonymous

Resentment

"Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you

despise live rent-free in your head."  ~Ann Landers

Let go of a grudge or a past hurt for the sake of your own 

well-being and good health!

A Far Better Take On the Aging Issue

Abstract by Rikka Ayasaki _ France

From Jane Fonda's TedxWomen 2011 talk, "Life's Third Act"

On The Aging Revolution

“We’re still living with the old paradigm of age as an arch. That’s the old metaphor: You’re born, you peak at midlife and decline into decrepitude. A more appropriate metaphor for aging is a staircase. The upward ascension of the human spirit, bringing us into wisdom, wholeness and authenticity."

True Happiness Is...

As you get older you find out
that true happiness is not in
how much you make or how
many degrees you have or how
big your house is or how fancy
your car is. It's finding peace
and joy and a calmness in your
life that will soon become the
most important thing to you.
Your family are what matters
to you, love is what matters to 
you. Things that are of quality
not of quantity will have true 
and lasting meaning to you.

9 Secrets to Healthy Aging

Painting by Susan Savad

Article by Aine McAteer

On every shelf in our pharmacy or beauty supply store, we're offered youth in a bottle or a pill. Our role models, the icons of stage and screen, claim they're maintaining their youthful good looks by drinking water, eating vegetables and staying out of the sun—but seriously? The fight is on against the clock, and it's hard not to jump into the ring. I'm as guilty as the next, standing in front of the mirror on occasion and pulling my face back to see how I'd look with a little nip and a tuck. I check out those bottles that state "anti-aging" or promise to erase all my lines and wrinkles, but I know for sure that real and lasting beauty can only be achieved by nurturing and nourishing my being from the inside out.

If I truly knew the secret to healthy aging and could bottle it, I would be a wealthy woman, but I can only offer you the wisdom of my own personal experience and observations. If I were asked what the secrets of healthy aging are, here are some of my thoughts.

Stay stress-free. Studies have shown that chronic stress elevates cortisol levels, which can reduce lean body mass, decrease bone density and cause a buildup of fat around the midsection of the body. Stress can also stimulate the onset of many age-related diseases like osteoporosis, Alzheimer's disease and metabolic syndrome.

Eat simply and don't overeat. Diet obviously plays a huge role in how we age. Foods that bring life force and energy into the cells of our bodies go a long way toward making us look and feel youthful and vital. I can literally see what I've eaten reflected on my face. As we age and our hormonal levels change, our metabolism tends to slow down, so it's best to eat smaller meals on a more regular basis to keep our metabolism stable. 

Smile. I was looking at my mum recently and realized that the reason she looks so youthful and lovely is that she almost always has a smile on her face. As we age, we can lose muscle tone and, especially on our face, the skin and muscles can start to droop. The very act of smiling lifts and tones the facial muscles as well as bringing a little more sunshine into the world.

Be wise: alkalize. Overacidity in the body weakens all body systems and is a major contributor to premature aging. Many of our diets are high in acid-forming foods like sugar, meat, dairy products and refined carbohydrates and are far too low in alkalizing fresh vegetables and mineral-rich foods. Try to tip the scales in favor of alkalizing vegetables and include some mineral-rich sea vegetables in your diet. It's a good idea to have some pH strips available so you can keep a check on your acid/alkaline balance.

Include enzymes in your diet. Enzymes are another vital component to support the healthy aging of the cells in the body. Make sure to include a percentage of enzyme-rich raw, pickled and very lightly cooked vegetables and fruits in your daily diet and chew them thoroughly to release their enzymes and to avoid putting any stress on the digestive system. When our foods are getting properly digested and assimilated, circulation of blood and nutrients to the skin is improved, keeping it youthful and wrinkle-free. 

Eat healthy dietary fats. Omega-3 fatty acids are regarded as healthy fats, as opposed to saturated fats and transfats. They are concentrated in the brain and are associated with cognitive function as well as protecting against inflammation and high cholesterol. Sources include cold-water fish such as salmon, herring, tuna, halibut and mackerel; walnuts and walnut oil; flaxseed and flaxseed oil; and leafy green vegetables.

Exercise. Some cardiovascular exercise at least three times a week will keep your heart strong and bring extra oxygen to all your cells. A report in the British Daily Mail (April 11, 2008) stated that regular exercise can help slow down the effects of aging by up to 12 years. It quoted a study that found aerobic exercise, such as jogging or brisk walking, from middle age onward can slow and "even reverse the decline in muscle power, balance and coordination in later life." I particularly recommend exercising out in nature where we take good oxygen into our system. Oxygen also is important to keep our bodies alkaline.

Have fun! We often hear that "laughter is the best medicine." As well as cheering others up, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body: It decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, improving your resistance to disease. Laughter also improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow as well as releasing endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. Best of all, it is free and readily available! 

Embrace body, mind and spirit medicine. The holistic approach seeks to treat the person as a whole, looking at all aspects of her life—lifestyle, diet, occupation and emotions—rather than just looking at and treating the symptoms of illness. A great number of today's illnesses come about as a result of the stress and tension in the lives we lead. We need to pay attention to what helps keep us in balance, and the natural healing arts can be very powerful in helping to restore and maintain the body's natural equilibrium. 


I've created my Mango Coconut Dream Pie so that you can get your essential omega oils in the most delicious and decadent way. Unrefined coconut oil, although considered a saturated fat, is said to have many health and anti-aging benefits. It's high in lauric acid, which is naturally antiviral and can help strengthen the immune system. It can also help rebuild collagen and skin tone, giving you radiant healthy skin from the inside out. Now that's my kind of medicine!



Aine McAteer has been dedicated to exploring the connection between food and health for the past 35 years. What began as a decision to heal a personal health issue in her late teens has evolved into a career that has taken her around the world. Her passion for food and dispelling the myth that healthy food must sacrifice taste has earned her a reputation as personal chef for many of Hollywood's A-list stars.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/food/Biography-of-Aine-McAteer

MANGO COCONUT DREAM PIE

Recipe created by Aine McAteer

This delicious dessert is filled with essential omega oils and anti-aging benefits. 

Ingredients

1 cup walnuts

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

1/3 cup ground flax seeds

1/3 cup sesame seeds

1/3 cup hemp seeds

8 medjool dates , pitted and chopped

1 Tbsp. coconut oil

1 Tbsp. maple or agave syrup

Pinch sea salt

Grated zest of 1 orange

Orange juice , to bind

1 cup raw cashews , soaked for 1 hour

1 cup coconut oil

3 ripe mangoes

Grated zest of 1 lime

2 Tbsp. lime juice

1/4 cup raw agave syrup

Directions

To make crust: Rub the inside of a 9-inch springform cake pan with coconut oil.

Put the pecans into a food processor and add the rest of the seeds. (I like to grind the flax and sesame seeds in a small spice or coffee grinder before adding.) Grind the nuts and seeds until they're like a coarse flour. Add the remaining ingredients and continue to puree in the processor until a sticky dough has formed.

Press the dough into the bottom of the prepared pan.

To make filling: Drain the cashews and combine in a blender or food processor with the remaining ingredients. Blend until smooth and creamy. 

Adjust the flavor to your personal taste by adding a little more sweetener or lime juice.

Pour the filling into the pan and put into the freezer to set. You want it to be firm enough to slice but not frozen. After about an hour and a half in the freezer, transfer it to the fridge. I decorated it with some coconut flakes around the edges and some fresh berries on top.

Variations:

•The first time I made this, one of the mangoes was bad, so I used a banana in place of the mango and it gave it a lovely creamy texture. You can use other fruits that are in season, such as peaches, apricots or fresh berries.

•You can use other nuts in the crust such as pecans or almonds in place of the walnuts. In place of the dates, you could use dried apricots—soak them for about 20 minutes in a little water or orange juice to soften them up first. 

Published on June 25, 2010.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/food/Mango-Coconut-Dream-Pie

Ability, Motivation & Attitude

"Ability is what you're capable of doing.

Motivation determines what you do.

Attitude determines how well you do it."

Lou Holtz

Louis Leo "Lou" Holtz (born January 6, 1937) is a retired American football coach, and active sportscaster, author, and motivational speaker. He served as the head football coach at The College of William & Mary (1969–1971), North Carolina State University (1972–1975), the University of Arkansas (1977–1983), the University of Minnesota (1984–1985), the University of Notre Dame (1986–1996), and the University of South Carolina (1999–2004), compiling a career record of 249–132–7. Holtz's 1988 Notre Dame team went 12–0 with a victory in the Fiesta Bowl and was the consensus national champion. Holtz is the only college football coach to lead six different programs to bowl games and the only coach to guide four different programs to the final top 20 rankings. Holtz also coached the New York Jets of the NFL during the 1976 season.

The Value of a Moment

Sometimes you will never

know the value of a moment

until it becomes a memory.  ~ Dr. Seuss

Theodor Seuss Geisel was an American writer, poet, and cartoonist most widely known for his 46 children's picture books written and illustrated as Dr. Seuss.

Theodor Seuss Geisel

Born March 2, 1904 

Springfield, Massachusetts, U.S. 

Died September 24, 1991  (age 87)

La Jolla, California, U.S.

6 Common Depression Traps to Avoid

An educational collaboration with                                             

6 Common Depression Traps to Avoid
Expert advice on how to sidestep pitfalls that often accompany depression.
WebMD Feature
By Jennifer Soong
Reviewed By Louise Chang, MD

When Orion Lyonesse is getting depressed, she turns into a hermit. She doesn't want to leave the house (not even to pick up the mail), and she cuts off contact with her friends and family.
"The more I'm alone, the deeper the depression gets," Lyonesse, an artist and writer in Lake Stevens, Wash., tells WebMD in an email. "I don't even want to cuddle my cats!"
Avoiding social contact is a common pattern you might notice when falling into depression. Some people skip activities they normally enjoy and isolate themselves from the world. Others turn to alcohol or junk food to mask their pain and unhappiness.
Depression traps vary from person to person, but what they have in common is that they can serve to worsen your mood, perpetuating a vicious cycle. Here are six behavioral pitfalls that often accompany depression -- and how you can steer clear of them as you and your doctor or therapist work on getting back on track.

Trap #1: Social Withdrawal
Social withdrawal is the most common telltale sign of depression.
"When we're clinically depressed, there's a very strong urge to pull away from others and to shut down," says Stephen Ilardi, PhD, author of books including The Depression Cure and associate professor of psychology at the University of Kansas. "It turns out to be the exact opposite of what we need."
"In depression, social isolation typically serves to worsen the illness and how we feel," Ilardi says. "Social withdrawal amplifies the brain's stress response. Social contact helps put the brakes on it."
The Fix: Gradually counteract social withdrawal by reaching out to your friends and family. Make a list of the people in your life you want to reconnect with and start by scheduling an activity.

Trap #2: Rumination
A major component of depression is rumination, which involves dwelling and brooding about themes like loss and failure that cause you to feel worse about yourself.
Rumination is a toxic process that leads to negative self-talk such as, "It's my own fault. Who would ever want me a friend?"
"There's a saying, 'When you're in your own mind, you're in enemy territory,'" says Mark Goulston, MD, psychiatrist and author of Get Out of Your Own Way. "You leave yourself open to those thoughts and the danger is believing them."
Rumination can also cause you to interpret neutral events in a negative fashion. For example, when you're buying groceries, you may notice that the checkout person smiles at the person in front of you but doesn't smile at you, so you perceive it as a slight.
 "When people are clinically depressed, they will typically spend a lot of time and energy rehearsing negative thoughts, often for long stretches of time," Ilardi says.
The Fix: Redirect your attention to a more absorbing activity, like a social engagement or reading a book.

Trap #3: Self-Medicating With Alcohol
Turning to alcohol or drugs to escape your woes is a pattern that can accompany depression, and it usually causes your depression to get worse.
Alcohol can sometimes relieve a little anxiety, especially social anxiety, but it has a depressing effect on the central nervous system, Goulston says. Plus, it can screw up your sleep.
"It's like a lot of things that we do to cope with feeling bad," he says. "They often make us feel better momentary, but in the long run, they hurt us."
The Fix: Talk to your doctor or health provider if you notice that your drinking habits are making you feel worse. Alcohol can interfere with antidepressants and anxiety medications.

Trap #4: Skipping Exercise
If you're the type of person who likes to go the gym regularly, dropping a series of workouts could signal that something's amiss in your life. The same goes for passing on activities -- such as swimming, yoga, or ballroom dancing -- that you once enjoyed.
When you're depressed, it's unlikely that you'll keep up with a regular exercise program, even though that may be just what the doctor ordered.
Exercise can be enormously therapeutic and beneficial, Ilardi says. Exercise has a powerful antidepressant effect because it boosts levels of serotonin and dopamine, two brain chemicals that often ebb when you're depressed.
"It's a paradoxical situation," Ilardi says. "Your body is capable of physical activity. The problem is your brain is not capable of initiating and getting you to do it."
The Fix: Ilardi recommends finding someone you can trust to help you initiate exercise -- a personal trainer, coach, or even a loved one. "It has to be someone who gets it, who is not going to nag you, but actually give you that prompting and encouragement and accountability," Ilardi says.

Trap #5: Seeking Sugar Highs
When you're feeling down, you may find yourself craving sweets or junk food high in carbs and sugar.
Sugar does have mild mood-elevating properties, says Ilardi, but it's only temporary. Within two hours, blood glucose levels crash, which has a mood-depressing effect.
The Fix: Avoid sugar highs and the inevitable post-sugar crash. It's always wise to eat healthfully, but now more than ever, your mood can't afford to take the hit.

Trap #6: Negative Thinking
When you're depressed, you're prone to negative thinking and talking yourself out of trying new things.
You might say to yourself, "Well, even if I did A, B, and C, it probably wouldn't make me feel any better and it would be a real hassle, so why bother trying at all?"
"That's a huge trap," says Goulston. "If you race ahead and anticipate a negative result, which then causes you to stop trying at all, that is something that will rapidly accelerate your depression and deepen it."
The Fix: Don't get too attached to grim expectations. "You have more control over doing and not doing, than you have over what the result of actions will be," Goulston says. "But there is a much greater chance that if you do, then those results will be positive."

Compassion for Animals

Republican or the Democratic Answers

Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.

~ John F. Kennedy

ART

"Art attracts us only by what it reveals of our most secret self."

~ Jean-Luc Godard

Jean-Luc Godard

December 3, 1930 -

French - Swiss film director, screenwriter and film critic.

Who You Are...

"You are the books you read,

 the films you watch,

the music you listen to,

 the people you meet,

the dreams you have,

 the conversations you engage in.

  You are what you take from these.

 You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner.  

You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life.  You are every single day.  So drown yourself

in a sea of knowledge and existence.  Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind."

~Author Unknown

Success in Life

“If you wish success in life,

make perseverance your bosom friend,

experience your wise counselor,

caution your elder brother

and hope your guardian genius.”

~ Joseph Addison

Joseph Addison (May 1, 1672 - June 17, 1719)

 An English essayist, poet, playwright and politician.

Basis Of All Love

"Had we not loved ourselves at all,

we could never have been obliged to love anything.

So that self-love is the basis of all love.

~Thomas Traherne

Thomas Traherne

Born c. 1636 - 1638

Died September 27, 1674

English Poet, Author, Priest, Theologian

Religion:  Christian

Denomination:  Anglicanism

Culture

Backlit Maples by Charles White
 Jones & Terwilliger Galleries
Website:  http://www.Jones-Terwilliger-Galleries.com in Carmel, CA  93921

"Culture is to know the best that has been said

 and thought in the world."

~Matthew Arnold

Matthew Arnold

December 24, 1822 - April 15, 1888

British poet and cultural critic

Remembered for his elegantly argued critical essays

Nature

"Joy in looking and comprehending

 is nature's most beautiful gift."

~ Albert Einstein

Choices

Picture by Surya Ray

Your life is a result

 of the choices

you make...

If you don't like your life

 it is time to start making

better choices.

A Few Beautiful Simple Things In Life

Flowers

Long Hugs

Shy Smiles

Smell Of Rain

Starry Nights

Falling In Love

Holding Hands

Getting Lost In A Book

Random Acts Of Kindness

Leaves Falling From The Trees

The Smell Of Freshly-Cut Grass

Morning Mist On Untouched Fields

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

"Life is a mirror and will reflect back

 to the thinker what he thinks into it."

~Ernest Holmes

Love What You Do

Great Blue Heron Sepia by Rebecca Latham

"Let the beauty of what you love be what you do."

Rumi

Pablo Picasso

Others have seen what is and asked why.

I have seen what could be and asked why not.

~ Pablo Picasso

Ways Photographs Makes Us Happy

Mary Gibbs Art _ Virginia Creeper

7 Reasons Why Photographs Can Boost Your Happiness
Posted: 05/03/2013 4:45 pm

Gretchen Rubin Writer, The Happiness Project

Gretchen Rubin, author of the best-selling book The Happiness Project, talks about the different ways photography can make us happier. Below is an excerpt from her blog about the powers of photos and how they can improve our outlook on life.

Photographs are such a joy, and I don't know about you, but I'm much more focused on taking photographs now that cameras and phones have evolved to make taking photos so much easier. I used to begrudge the time that I spent on photos, but now I realize the role they can play in happiness.

1. Photos remind us of the people, places, and activities we love. Many people keep photos in their homes, in their office, or in their wallet, and happy families tend to display large numbers of photos at home. In Happier at Home, I write about my "shrine to my family" made of photographs.

2. Photos help us remember the past. One of the best ways to make yourself happy in the present is to recall happy times from the past. Photos are a great memory-prompt, and because we tend to take photos of happy occasions, they weight our memories to the good.

3. Photos can save space while preserving memories. Through a friend, I heard about a fantastic service, Plum Print, "the simple solution for storing and preserving kids' artwork." I mailed in a giant, awkward pile of my younger daughter's artwork and school work from her early days, and Plum Print transformed it into a lovely hardback book. That's the final product, in the picture. My daughter's work looks great, she's thrilled with her "book," and I have a slim, tidy record of everything she made for several years. I saved a few of the actual pieces, then threw away the rest. A friend was shocked that I tossed any of it, but I have a record of it, I kept the best pieces, and I've found that mementos work best when they're carefully culled and displayed. (Disclosure: I got my Plum Print book for free.)

4. A photo of something can sometimes replace the thing itself. After my friend's beloved father died, she wanted to keep his enormous desk, as a memento-but she really didn't have space for it. She took a photo of it, and then was able to let go of the desk. Strangely, too, a photograph of something can be more beautiful than the thing itself. Consider Edward Weston's photographs of peppers.

5. Photographs allow you to curate things you love. Taking a picture is a way to "claim" something. On Pinterest, I love to add things to my From the Ministry of Happiness board. It's a way to make a collection without having to buy or cope with anything.

6. Taking photos fosters creativity. My delightful friend Maria Giacchino, who does my videos, takes and posts one photograph each day. The images are beautiful, and the need to find the day's photo keeps her engaged with the world in a creative way.

7. Taking photographs can act as a diary. I'm always trying to figure out ways to keep hold of memories. My one-sentence journal, for instance. I try to use photographs to record the little moments that are so precious but also so easily forgotten. One thing I wish I could tell my younger self: take photos of everyday life, not special occasions; later, that's what will be interesting to you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-rubin/photographs-can-boost-your-happiness_b_3210947.html

In the Words of Henry van Dyke

The woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.

~ Henry van Dyke,

American author and clergyman, 1852-1933

Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Cottonwood Tree on the Utah & Arizona Borderlands by John Mumaw

HUFFPOST HEALTHY LIVING
The Blog

Upgrading Your Internal Soundtrack
Posted: 06/05/2013 8:20 am
by Andrea Wachter
Marriage and Family Therapist

We all talk to ourselves all day long. Our minds are basically like recorders that play back everything that's been downloaded into them. The quality of our lives is drastically affected by our internal dialogue. Even more than our life situations, it's our self-talk that can make or break our day.

Our minds are naturally active. That's their job. And we need them to help us tend to many things in our lives. But sometimes our minds seem to be working overtime! Ideally, we all have some moments when our minds are quiet and we are simply present. But when our minds are active, we have various other internal soundtrack options.

The first is neutral. A neutral internal dialogue might be deciding whether to go to the store on the way to work or on the way home. Perhaps part of you wants to stop and part of you wants to head straight home. There are no strong feelings and no moral dilemmas. You can think through the pros and cons and make your decision. Nobody gets hurt!

Another internal soundtrack is positive. An example of this is when you feel good about something you did or said and you internally praise yourself. Now, that is something we do not need to change. If you do experience positive self-talk, I say keep it up. I know many of us were raised with messages about getting a "big head" or conceited but I am not talking about being arrogant here. I am simply talking about being kind to yourself and praising yourself regularly. Positive self-talk is about knowing that you are a good person, and that you deserve praise sometimes, even though you are imperfect like everyone else.

Next on the soundtrack possibilities is negative self-talk. We all have an inner dialogue that arises from all the negative and painful things we have ever heard and experienced. It's like a program in your computer. The more painful experiences you have had and/or the more sensitive you are, the louder and stronger your internal negative soundtrack is likely to be.

In large part, we all learned to speak to ourselves from the way our parents or caregivers spoke to us. As we get older, this style turns into what I call our inner "Mom-a-logue" or "Dad-a-logue." If our parents were critical or negative, it's not that they were horrible people; they were likely just speaking to us the way they were spoken to or the way that they were left feeling from the way they were spoken to. So the negative self-talk baton gets passed down from generation to generation. Consequently, some people have very loud, critical Mom-and-Dad-a-logues and this can cause an array of problems.

Since most of us tend to think or speak to ourselves the way we were spoken to as children or the way we felt as children, I think it's fair to say that most of us have been doing it a long time. So it is likely a habit that will take desire, awareness and practice to change. The good news is that it is possible to retrain your brain, erase negative self-talk tracks and upload new ones.

So, if negative self-talk is on one end of a spectrum and conceited narcissism is on the other, a healthy internal soundtrack is the range in the middle. This range is where you have positive regard for yourself. You know you don't have to be perfect. You know you are a good person and that you are no better or worse than anyone else.

As a family counselor, I work with people who are struggling with a variety of issues, everything from addictions and depression to anxiety and grief. What I notice is that while the symptoms may differ, most of the people I see have a hard time being kind to themselves. I often find myself asking why.

Most everyone had some positive experiences as children. Even people from the most negative of childhoods can usually come up with a few positive memories. Why don't we focus more on those? Unfortunately, negative memories and experiences seem to stick more than the positive ones. It's just the way we are wired.

Imagine if someone massaged your back for an hour and punched you really hard for one second. It would likely be the one-second punch you would remember as opposed to the hour of comforting massage. Or say you spent a few hours with a friend and it was really pleasant and then they said one sentence that was really hurtful. You would most likely remember and be the most impacted from that one sentence as opposed to the hundreds of other sentences that were spoken in the time you were together.

As children, we did not have logical minds that knew the difference between feeling bad and being bad. When difficult things happened many of us decided we were bad, and this contributed to our internal program of self-talk. Painful events happened to all of us, in our families and in our lives, and most of us didn't know how to distinguish between feeling bad and thinking we must be bad. So we ended up with a feeling of shame that for many turned into a deep, core belief. But shame comes from the mistaken thought or judgment, "I am bad." And there is a big difference between something feeling bad and the thought that you are a bad person.

Many people have a core sense of shame and inadequacy and think that if they could just get the relationship they want or the body they like or the job they dream of, etc. they will then be deemed worthy and valuable. But it doesn't work that way. If their deepest belief about themselves is that they are unworthy, ugly, stupid, fat, etc., nothing external will fix that. These thoughts will need an internal upgrade.

It might seem like bad news that our thoughts are constant and that they have so much power they can actually make us feel horrible. But the good news is that if we can make ourselves feel badly with our thoughts, then we can also learn to delete and replace them, which will then change the way we speak to ourselves, treat ourselves and feel about ourselves.

Steps For Upgrading Your Self-Talk

1. Desire: The first step in making a change is having the desire. Once you have the desire to improve your self-talk, you have begun to get ready for an internal upgrade!

2. Awareness: When we have a negative inner recording that has been playing for years, it becomes a habit. Oftentimes we kick into it without even noticing. So as soon as you become aware that a negative recording is playing, you have broken the unconscious trance and are halfway there.

3. Compassion: This process is about unlearning a very ingrained habit and we are not going to do it perfectly or immediately. Being kind and compassionate is the way to progress way more than beating yourself up. Self-hate got you here, it is not going to get you out!

4. Creative Comebacks: This is where you replace and/or respond to your negative thoughts. Try responding to a negative thought the way you might respond to a friend or a young child who was saying the same mean things about themselves.

Here are a few examples of creative ways to respond to your self-criticism:

"Oh you again?"
"Says who?"
"And your point is?"
"It's not true and you're not helping."
"I'm not that bad, give me a break."
"You might be trying to help by whipping me into shape but if you were going to be helpful, I think you would have helped by now."
"You're just an old recording and I'm deleting you now."

Even if you don't fully believe it, keep practicing. You were not born with internal negative statements about yourself, you learned, practiced and perfected them and you can do the same with creative comebacks.

To replace the negative with something positive try some of these, or make up your own:

"I'm a good person even when I make a mistake."
"I don't have to be perfect to be loveable."
"I have many successes, I am not a failure."

Try picturing your thoughts as pop-up windows on a computer and imagine closing them. Pretend your thoughts are on the television or radio and imagine turning them off. It helps some people to imagine they are letting smoke out of a chimney as they let their negative thoughts go. Others find it helpful to talk back to their internal negative statements by either disagreeing in a strong way or reacting in a compassionate, softer way. For many, it helps to consciously bring themselves back to the present moment and remember that their thoughts aren't facts, they are like movies playing in our minds.

Whether you are visual, auditory or more in your feelings, you can get creative and find ways that work for you to change, stop or replace your habitual recordings.

Your negative soundtracks have likely been playing for many years. It doesn't help that we are surrounded by a culture that supports negative self-talk so this will be an ongoing practice. The way we talk to ourselves is a habit that can be changed with awareness and willingness. With practice and patience it can become natural to speak to yourself with kindness and upgrade your internal soundtrack for good!


Andrea Wachter, LMFT is co-founder of InnerSolutions Counseling Services and co-author of The Don't Diet, Live-It Workbook. Her private practice is in Northern California and she offers teleconferences for anyone, world-wide, who is struggling with stress, anxiety, depression or addictions. Andrea is an inspirational counselor, author and teacher who brings over 20 years of professional experience as well as personal recovery to her clients. For more information on her book, her online course or her teleconference, please visit www.innersolutions.net