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| Photography by S J Kenney "I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order."
John Burroughs
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Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Nature's Effect
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
What to Expect During Your First Therapy Visit
Amanda L. Chan
Amanda.chan@huffingtonpost.com
Going To Therapy For The First Time? Here's What To Expect
Posted: 01/22/2014 7:38 am EST Updated: 01/25/2014 4:01 pm EST
Maybe it's that extra 20 pounds you just can't lose. Perhaps you're struggling with infidelity. Or maybe you're unhappy in your job, and need some guidance in figuring out what career will really make you happy. Or, it could be that you're struggling with depression or anxiety.
If any of the above situations applies to your life, counseling could be helpful. So what's stopping you? The way counseling (often used interchangeably with the word "therapy" -- the differences between the two have more to do with the certifications of the provider) is portrayed in movies and TV shows can paint a "no way, that's not for me" picture. But in reality, while there's often a couch or a comfy chair, therapists are not detached, distracted listeners who charge an arm and a leg for an hour of their time. And just because you receive counseling doesn't automatically mean that something is wrong with you, says Jeannie Bertoli, Ph.D., a relationship expert and counselor.
"People think, 'I have to be in crisis,' or, 'The intensity of the issue has to be so bad that I go to therapy,'" Bertoli tells HuffPost. But often, people can benefit from therapy for something as simple as needing help reaching a specific goal.
It's also easy for people to get hung up on the cost of therapy -- which can run the gamut from $80 to $200 for a 50-minute session. "Therapy is expensive, but it's an investment and you should be getting a return on your investment," Bertoli says. "There are other things that are expensive, that we don't question the finances of so much," such as hiring a good attorney if you're going through a divorce.
"But aren't therapists just people you're paying to listen to your problems?" you may ask. Bertoli explains that while compassionate listening is an important part of the counseling process, therapists have master's and doctorate degrees and have spent years studying how people change, relationships, work environments, conflict resolution and communication. "We spend years living in those systems and training in those systems so we can help you get to that part of yourself to ... understand the things that are driving your habits and choices," she says.
OK, I think I want to try therapy out. Where do I even start?
The first step to starting therapy is to find a therapist. If cost is an important factor, you could ask your insurance company for a list of therapists who would be considered in-network. However, some therapists purposely choose not to be part of those insurance panels, notes Danielle Adinolfi, MFT, a Philadelphia-based therapist. But some may offer sliding scale prices. "So say your insurance will cover half the cost [of an in-network therapist] and sessions are $120, ... the therapist will see you for that reduced price," she explains. While not all therapists offer this option, it never hurts to ask.
You could also try searching on the Psychology Today directory, which has a list of mental health professionals.
However, Bertoli notes that it can be hard to find someone who is specialized in your particular issue by searching on a large database. Therefore, referrals from friends and family could be a good way of finding someone, as could a simple Google search for "weight loss therapist" or "divorce therapist" or "____ therapist."
What happens if you find someone who seems to be a good fit for your particular problem, but is in another city or state? Bertoli says that tele-therapy is common nowadays -- providing another level of privacy and convenience for people -- so consider checking with that person to see if they offer phone or Skype sessions.
How do I find someone who is the best fit for me?
Bertoli suggests making a list of three to five potential therapists, whether those names come from Google searches or friend and family referrals. Then, contact those therapists, and ask them the same three to five questions each. The questions can be specific to your particular issue -- for instance, if you're struggling with weight loss, you could ask "What's your theory about why people don't lose weight?" -- or something more general, like "What's your theory about why people some people change, while others don't?"
"You'll sense in that way, 'Am I comfortable with this person? Do I think they're telling the truth?' You'll sense if they're a match for me," Bertoli says.
Most therapists will do a quick, 10- to 15-minute consult on the phone with clients before the first session, where you can get a feel for if the person will be a right match. And oftentimes, after the first session, it's pretty clear if the therapist-client relationship will work or not, Adinolfi says.
Some people want to have a speedy experience, where the problem is solved in six sessions or less. If this is you, then you should look for a solutions-focused therapist, Adinolfi says. (However, you can't expect that all problems can be solved in a short period of time, as some situations take longer periods of time to sort through.) Meanwhile, other people can end up going to therapy for years, either because the situation has never been resolved, or because they like being able to come in for an hour each week to talk about life -- which is where the "I'll be in therapy forever!" misconception comes from.
"But if your issue is something simple, they [therapists] won't keep you for the sake of keeping you. We want you to walk out the door so you feel like there's some sort of resolution," Adinolfi says.
In addition, Bertoli notes that just because a therapist offers three to five sessions, doesn't mean you should expect for your problems to be resolved in three to five sessions. She says she often sees clients for an average of six to 12 months -- though this is only an average, and the amount of time someone is in therapy is highly individualized.
What can I expect in my first session, and how can I make the most of it?
A default first session of therapy will be just that -- the default for that individual therapist, Bertoli says.
"Some therapists do a first session by getting an assessment of the current problem. Some will do background, so they'll understand your childhood and any medical issues. Some will just listen and say 'Uh huh' a lot, and will be a more passive therapist, and some will really engage with you about what's going on right now, and get to the depth of it," she says. "So when you go in, you will get the default, unless -- unless -- you prepare."
And by "prepare," Bertoli means coming in with an idea of what you want to get out of therapy.
Indeed, Adinolfi says "I always recommend people have something to talk about. Therapy is about you: You're the boss, and people forget that. Our job [as therapists] is to guide people to where they want to go."
The important thing to remember is that the therapist-client relationship is exactly that -- a relationship.
"You're the co-creator of this relationship. If you go in saying , 'Here are my goals, here are my expectations, my preferences for how to proceed, what matters to me the most,' -- if you go in prepared and not looking to take a backseat ... you will have the most success," Bertoli says.
In addition, it doesn't hurt to discuss your "hot buttons" with a therapist -- actions or words by both the client and the therapist that could harm the relationship. (For instance, from a therapist's standpoint, a perpetually late client could be a serious annoyance.)
"You could say, to a therapist, 'What would I do that could make you mad?' And then they ask you" the same question back, Bertoli says. "It's one of those questions that people don't ask, and it goes both ways: 'What could a therapist do that would piss off a client?' And that could be anything from, 'If you ever blame me for my husband's infidelity, then I'll never listen to you.'" Knowing information like this can help to preserve the relationship between therapist and client, and also help the therapist better understand what's going through the client's head.
Why Do Dogs Tilt Their Heads When We Speak?
Why do dogs tilt their heads when we speak?
From trying to hear us better to seeing our faces more clearly, there are several theories about what's behind this adorable canine gesture.
mother nature network
By Laura Moss
Mon, Jan 20, 2014 at 2:59 PM
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| Photo: gullevek/flickr |
According to Steven R. Lindsay's "Handbook of Applied Dog Behavior and Training," when a dog listens to your voice, he's trying to identify familiar words or tones that he associates with a reward, such as going on a walk or receiving a treat.
The muscles of a dog's middle ear are controlled by a part of the brain that's also responsible for facial expressions and head movements, so when a canine tilts his head, he's trying to perceive what you're saying, as well as communicate to you that he's listening.
They can't see our faces easily
In an effort to understand us, dogs not only use our words and inflection, but also facial expressions, body language and eye movements. Because of this, it's important for them to see our faces, so Dr. Stanley Corren reasons that when dogs cock their heads they're trying to see us better.
He says that dogs with longer muzzles have difficulty viewing a person's entire face and compares it to how our vision is obstructed if we hold a fist to our nose and view the world as a dog does.
Corren suggests that dogs may tilt their heads to view a speaker's mouth and aid in understanding what is being communicated.
He hypothesized that dogs with flatter faces, such as pugs, Boston terriers and Pekingese, might tilt their heads less because they don't have to compensate for prominent muzzles.
Corren conducted an Internet survey to test his theory. Out of 582 participants, 186 had dogs with flatter heads. Seventy-one percent of the people with large-muzzle dogs reported that their dogs often tilted their heads when spoken to, while 52 percent with flat-faced dogs reported frequent head cocking.
We've taught them to do it
When dogs tilt their heads when we speak, it's undeniably cute — just check out the video below — and we have a tendency to respond to the behavior with positive reinforcement. Perhaps we say "aww" in a pleasing tone of voice or offer the dog a treat.
Reacting in such a way encourages the activity, and the more a dog is praised for cocking its head, the more likely he is to repeat the gesture in the future.
Watch the video @ http://youtu.be/9uuqXXT7VYo
The Importance of women friends in our lives
They Teach It at Stanford:
A good reminder of the importance of women friends in our lives
In an evening class at Stanford University, the last lecture was on the mind-body connection -- the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman. . . whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends.
At first everyone laughed, but he was serious. Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically, this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin -- a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being.
Women share feelings, whereas men often form relationships around activities. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very GOOD for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.
There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged? Not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal
relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking!
So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health!
We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it's very good for our health.
Thanks to all the girls in my life who have helped me stay healthy, happy,
and feeling very loved.
Forward this to your girlfriends to stay in touch.
"BLESSED ARE THEY WHO CAN LAUGH AT THEMSELVES
FOR THEY SHALL NEVER CEASE TO BE AMUSED."
Monday, February 3, 2014
10 Things You Need To Know About True Love, from Lifehack
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| A Walk in the Park by Aimee Wilson |
Lifehack
True love is magical. True love is mystical‒Right? Well, kind of. But it’s more than that, as anyone in a relationship can tell you. Read on to find ten things you need to know about true love.
1. True love is not about finding yourself in another.
Don’t fall in love, or think you’re in love, just because you want to find yourself. Your identity is not to be someone’s other half‒it’s to be yourself! Don’t get so swept up in your partner that you become them. You don’t need to be the number one fan of their favorite band or read all the books they read. Keep your interests and hobbies and you’ll be more interesting to, and interested in, your partner.
2. Self love is the best way to find true love.
It sounds like a cliche, something your mom and girlfriends told you every time you were crying over a broken heart, but it’s true‒you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. Be comfortable with yourself, even when you’re having a bad day. Know who you really are, deep down inside, and know what you want to do with your life. Being in love with yourself and having your life on track are not only incredibly self-satisfying, they’re really attractive qualities to a partner.
3. True love is not demanding.
Your partner should never ask you to change if you’re truly loved. And if you truly love your partner, you shouldn’t expect him to change. You got into a relationship because you liked each other, and you grew to love each other as you are. Why would you need to change someone you love so deeply? Accept them as they are, and you’ll get that consideration in return.
4. True love allows you to be yourself.
Being yourself in front of your partner can seem scary at first. Waking up without any makeup on, and your hair a mess? What about him seeing you when you’re sick‒runny nose, bloodshot eyes and all. It’s something you want to avoid as long as you can. But you shouldn’t feel that way. When you’re in love, even the worst illness is a beautiful experience because it’s worth it. Your partner helping you through a messy episode or kissing you with morning breath is a major step towards your future, and it shows how much he truly loves you.
5. True love comes naturally.
Do you have doubts about your partner? Are you not sure they’re right for you? If you’re asking yourself too many questions about your partner, your relationship, and your future together, then you’re probably not in love. When you’re truly in love, you don’t question anything. It feels natural to be with your partner, and you know you can work through anything to achieve that future you’re dreaming of.
6. To get love, you must give love.
You can’t be in a loving relationship if you hold back. You can’t use love as a bargaining chip. Don’t tell your partner you love him only when he does something good around the house. Don’t give him the cold shoulder if he makes a mistake. You have to love him all the time, regardless of his words or actions, because true love is unconditional. If you give your partner this much love, you’ll get it‒and more!‒in return.
7. True love is based on friendship.
So many TV show relationships are based on friends who fall in love over time. It’s a great premise, and a nice daydream, but life isn’t TV. You don’t need to be best friends with your partner since kindergarten for love to last. But you need to be friends with your partner. You need to be able to talk, to share jokes, and to enjoy each others’ company. Over time, the physical passion may fade, but true friendship will last forever.
8. True love lasts.
Think back to those casual relationships where your significant other wiping his nose on your bath towel was enough to end it. Those relationships are immature, and whatever you thought you experienced wasn’t love. When you’re truly in love, problems like this are just small bumps in the road. No problem seems insurmountable. You’re more than willing to work through anything, just to stay together.
9. True love is committed.
It’s human nature to be attracted to other people, to allow your head to be turned by an attractive passerby. Don’t let this make you feel guilty. As long as you’re committed to your partner, your relationship is fine. When you’re truly in love, you don’t want to be with anyone else. You can’t imagine spending your time without your sweetheart.
10. YOU are the love of your life.
Don’t forget that you need to love yourself. Self love is important, but it’s not something you should achieve and then throw away once you’re with your partner. You must stay in love with yourself for your entire life. If you start to dislike yourself or what you’re doing, you need to change just enough to stay on track, to stay true to yourself, and to stay in love with yourself.
Lifehack: http://www.lifehack.org/
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